When You’re Desperate and Afraid

It’s 3 am. And I’m awake…again. The darkness sits heavy on my chest as the sound of the air flicking on echoes hard.

It’s 3:30 am. And I’m too exhausted to function. My kids will be up in a few short hours. Ready for the day when I’m anything but.

It’s 4 am. And I’m brittle, fragile, pieces chipping off as each minute ticks away.

In the last few months, my mom discovered a brain tumor, I had a surgery, my daughter tore her knee and had it reconstructed, and my husband herniated two discs in his neck. We met with the surgeon Wednesday and he scheduled surgery for today, Monday. There’s something unsettling about the speed there.

It’s enough to make a girl run for the hills wrapped in bubble wrap—physically and spiritually—or lie awake at night gasping at the weight of it all.

I’m afraid, desperately wanting answers. I look at Job and his host of unanswered questions. Paul and his unremoved thorn. If I could just see the other side, the why, the how we get there, or even how long.

But there are no easy answers.

Only gut-wrenching, fingertips-holding the edge, desperate choosing faith. I’ve tried so very hard to be strong, but today the last bit of my strength crumbled away, and I’m afraid. Crying into my pillow, doing my very best to float my bed away on my tears.

Faith.

I’m told it’s the antidote to fear. If only I can get there.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.*

 

*Echoing a desperate father as quoted by St. Mark.

18 thoughts on “When You’re Desperate and Afraid

  1. Pleading with the Father, on your behalf, for faith, hope, and peace. The Holy Spirit himself is sending your message to Abba. He hears you and he loves you.

  2. Thank you for being open and vulnerable. The Lord will hear your heart’s cry, and He is closer than you can imagine. Stand firm and He will lift you up.
    Praying for you and your family right now.

  3. Sister, you are a beautiful warrior for the most high God and you have been battling hard for a long time. El Roi, the mighty God who sees you, is with you. The enemy desires for you to think otherwise. Know that there are other warriors standing with you. Ultimately, it is the God of all heavens armies that is fighting the battle – this is not the end, He will win. It is easy to read Bible stories with a soft glow. However, in moments like these I think of people like Daniel and his friends who could not sleep either and prayed all night before the fiery furnace and the starved lions. And Joseph who unlike us, had no idea how his life story would end.

    1. Thank you, Suzanne. We’re getting there. A life of faith is rarely an easy one. Like you, I’m choosing to believe even when I cannot see.

  4. Praying for you as I write. Words aren’t adequate for what you’re going through. But God knows. The Holy Spirit prays while you groan. May you know the peace that only Jesus gives. May you encounter Grace in unexpected moments. Our God is Emmanuel – God with us.

    1. Thank you for the prayers, Vicki! We’re having a good week so far. Surgery went well. My in-laws are amazing and have helped so much this week.

  5. I love you and am so sorry for your turmoil, pain, and grief. Boy, it has been a lot. Praying for you dear sister.

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